Living Out: The problems and their solutions
It’s coming to the end of the academic year. Soon nobody will be able to talk about anything but exams, revision and how unfair life is when you go to university to do a degree and have the inconvenience of actually having to… do a degree. For many (well, roughly a third) of students, this will be the last term in the comfort of their own college; next year they will be cast out into the “real” world and into the realm of Living Out. For those of you about to embark on this bittersweet journey of “realism” (which has to be encased in quotation marks considering the fact that this is Durham, and therefore completely disconnected to any kind of actual reality) there are a few handy hints to be taken into consideration. For those student who are Living In, there are some more handy hints after the initial handy hints which may come in handy. Yes.
Living Out… Problems and Solutions.
Problem 1.
“It’s going to be great because we’re all, like, BEST FRIENDS. What could go wrong?!”. Yes, you are best friends. But have you LIVED with them before? Do they know that you like to leave your boxers on the draining board? Or that you have been diagnosed with Severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? You haven’t? Well the chances are, then, that they have. If this sounds like an exaggeration, that is because it most definitely is, but in all seriousness you must prepare yourself for endless battles about complete trivialities. There will be times when you find yourself in a screaming match because somebody keeps leaving the light on. Or so-and-so keeps making snide comments when it’s their turn to take the bin out. Additionally, if you’re completely non-extra-curricular and are living with a Team Durham netball player and a three massive Thesps then make preparations for spending the majority of your time alone. Or spending a lot of money watching plays.
The solution to this is relatively simple, and you’ll be elated to discover that through one simple purchase, perfect unity can be achieved for all. Buy a TV License. If possible, get Sky plus. Crying in close proximity to cash machines is nothing when compared with the joy of harmony. With Sky Plus, you can minimise channel arguments by recording alternative ones and everyone is happy! Disclaimer: If a television doesn’t work then you definitely chose to live with the wrong people. Alternatively it’s because this piece of advice is terrible.
Problem 2.
“We’re living in the Viaduct/Gilesgate/Claypath… it’s really close!” Unless you previously lived in Josephine Butler then, apologies, but it’s really not. Or maybe this is just me. I lived on Crossgate in my second year at the top of probably the largest hill in the entire of Europe, but even if you are situated on a slight incline, this will massively affect your Can I Be Arsed factor. The answer is no, you probably won’t be. Arsed, that is. In college, there are always people off to lectures, coming back from tutorials and heading down to the Science Site (as an English student I still maintain that this place is a myth but whatever) which motivates you to get on down there as well. When living with nobody who shares your degree then self-motivation is key. Everything from the rain, to the timing of Top Gear (see Problem 1) to a debatably large gradient will be constantly screaming at you to skip your academic duties and catch up later. The solution to this is to..erm…not do it. The first time you skip a tutorial because it’s raining signifies the psychological death of your degree. What happens next time it’s raining? You’ll do it again. And again. And again. And then will have to take an exam on something other than the inconveniences of precipitation, which will be Very Painful.
Problem 3
“I’ll go visit EVERYONE”. Really? But you’re living in the Viaduct and they are in Gilesgate. How much do you really want to spend time with them? Is it worth the twenty minute walk? I love how Durham breeds a complete lack of perspective regarding distance. In London, twenty minutes on the tube is practically next door. In Durham, a fifteen minute walk seems like you might as well take a detour to Sunderland. Perhaps, again, this is because I am from a Bailey college as I am sure those from Stockton feel very differently, but even the Hill Colleges are about a fifteen minute toddle away from town right? So anything more than that is just TOO FAR, yes? No? Okay this point is rapidly evaporating. Anyway, the main issue is that you will not be running into these people in the bar all the time any more. You will have to actually make an effort to see them, which is actually very Good Thing- you will certainly, by third year, know who your true friends are. NB If you spend your entire second year visiting people and nobody once pops in to say hi to you then this means you either have no friends or live in Neville’s Cross.
Problem 4
“We’ll cook house meals all the time!”. Of course you will, dear. If none of you has a life, that is. The student houses that have regular meals together are very few and far between, and are usually comprised of the sort of people who go to every lecture despite having Ebola and bake muffins for each other in the evenings (whilst still suffering from said Ebola). Do you really want to be in a house like this? Yes, me too but there’s little chance of it happening. People will be in at different times, will want to eat different things, will be vegetarian, vegan, fruitarian or have a vague aversion to mushroom. Most importantly, if you can be bothered to whip up a souffle after a long day trekking up and down inclines in the rain, then you probably deserve some sort of Nobel Prize. You will most likely end up eating whatever is in the kitchen, and if that happens to be a bowl of oatmeal with broccoli and HP Sauce then so be it! Which makes the most hilarious story? “Oh, when I was a student, I once are peanut butter smeared on pasta!” or “When I was a student I used to make top notch flans!”. We have our whole lives to make flan, people. Let’s use the remaining time we have left as students to actually be students. So my solution to this problem? Have fun and eat disgusting food. Alone. That wasn’t meant to sound as depressing as it did…
Living In… Problems and Solutions
If you need hints for living in then you are most definitely a pansy.
Stevie Martin
I LOLed loads at this, I even had a bit of a ROFL. Is this the reporter who used to write for Palatinate? He’s really funny – good work D21.
Yes HE is! What a GUY!!!
HE’s a hero.
I hate both of you.
And you, Ben… whoever you are.
Calm down Steve. It was a bloody good read. I enjoyed both the problems and solutions. Do you play mixed Lax or is that a different Steve Martin?
I was in cheaper by the dozen.
i always look forward to peoples comments on articles and now you’ve all ruined it with your jollities. Thanks DURHAM REVUE. THANKS A LOT! Pfft.
Well I thought it was bollocks. And are you sure you didn’t write all the comments too, just for fun.
I grudgingly hand it to your flans remark though…
Steve, as one of the great American MALE comedy actors how do you have time to research your articles in such depth? Surely not between shooting Father of the Bride sequels?
Birt, no I didn’t write the comments myself. Obviously. I would prefer just comments about the article like yours to be honest but I can’t control the fact that my friends are a bunch of mental people (apparently).
Is that Lezley the Lezbian?! Chum!
Stevie. You seem like a knowledgeable character, what’s your opinion on the Lion’s squad for the forthcoming tour?
Ant, please see below for a team that combines pace in the ladies with a bit of grunt in the engine room
1. Andy Sheridan
2. Jerry Flannery
3. John Hayes
4. Jason White
5. Dave Ellis
6. Tom Croft
7. David Wallace
8. Jamie Heaslip
9. Harry Ellis
10. Phil Godman
11. Ugo Monye
12. Gavin Henson
13. Brian O Driscoll
14.Simon Danielli
15. Delon Armitage
I don’t know why this article is so talked about.
Steve, you were better in cheaper by the dozen than father of the bride.
Hello Stevie
i was recently stalking you on facebook (sorry) and noticed a buzz about this article. I bet your pleased to learn that your advice is reaching us down in Leeds..well actually just me but i will pass on your message…well maybe or infact not. Really impressed, as all these are all the problems i expect to face come September. The only contradiction i can make is in regards to problem 4 as i just made tikka masala for all my flatmates…well apart from the one who doesnt speak to us, which i should really sort out.
Much Love my intellectual friend
Nicola 236 London Road (hell yeah)
xxx
Yeah thanks for that one Nicola, but we’ve moved on from there to more relevant discussion.
Nick: that’s an interesting team that you’ve named. However, its distinctive by its lack of Welsh players. Why is this? Welsh rugby at base level is the strongest in the world, and we must therefore encourage them with the carrot of Lions Rugby.
Latest from South Africa is that Rico Nad will be avaiable for the first test, and i think Wilko will be the only man in the world who can counter the Nad threat.
Sadly I have no opinion of the Lions squad, however, I am most certainly getting down with a team that combines pace in the ladies with a bit of grunt in the engine room. That is a fantastic turn of phrase.
I think they should just use actual lions. It would make it a lot more interesting. But I’m a girl so I don’t know about these things.
Phil Godman at 10!!! You must be out of your f***ing mind fella!
Reverting to the original article, which I thought was well written although suffers somewhat from being absolute clarrie, I’d like to address each “problem” in turn if I may:-
1. I lived in an all lads flat in my 2nd year… It was super, although I suspect the girls who lived door didn’t find it so f***ing funny when we carried on putting pheasants’ heads through their letter box, or when we decided to throw frozen burgers at their windows…
Really what I’m trying to say Stevie is that your point isn’t well made, but, is there any chance of getting my hands in the till, so to speak?
2. Jerry Flannery.
3. John Hayes.
4. Young Bobby Lamb.
Cheers Stevie, got confused by the use of a fella’s name! Still, many women are becoming involved at base level, and there has even been talk of a female lions tour.
Ant, I agree the Nad issue could get messy if allowed to roam free on the pitch.
Now as a female post-grad I can fully understand the rollercoaster that is LIVING OUT. On the one hand you have the freedom and also real life responsibilities that you simply don’t get in halls but on the other hand you have to deal with the mess from your new housemates. There is a whole host of problems that can emerge – stolen food, wasted electricity, dags in the bathtub, late rent etc etc. I say just ENJOY the ride.
Barrie, 23.
“this is Durham, and therefore completely disconnected to any kind of actual reality”. I don’t get it when people say this. A great many people live in towns and cities under 100,000 people in this country and around the world – do their lives have less value, are they living in a ‘reality void’? Just characterisiing a place as non-reality or trivial or inferior is just absurd. What, is everywhere that is not London not reality?
Let me tell you someting I heard from a post-graduate student who returned to study for a phd in Durham after having a job in Dublin – everywhere is its own little bubble, if you get an office job the office will be its own community with many of the idiosyncracies of Durham or any university/college environment. If you live in a big city the district of that city will have its own character and local politics and social feel. What is with all the Durham-bashing that goes on all the time? Its not pleasant or helpful and its belittling to those of us who enjoy being here and want to make the most of it.
By the way, your article would be an insult to a free local advertiser.
Pete, mate, get a life: it’s a bit of satire, not an in-depth assessment of Durham’s virtues. I’d stick to ‘making the most’ of your time in Durham rather than making comments like that.
Stevie, v funny, well done.
This article made me laugh, as did the comments- id like to get barries number if possible
Jack,
Firstly I’m not your mate, so don’t patronise me and make a fool of yourself. Want me to ‘get a life’ – what are you auditioning for an Australian soap? Cliches are for idiots, I always enjoy it when people prove they’re idiots for me.
If this constitutes satire its a saddening sign of the times; and if you find it funny then…. well….
I think I’ll take the comment exactly as it written, attempted satire or not. And I’ll both enjoy my time here and criticise nonsense when I see it.
Thanks, but I didn’t ask for your advice and I doubt I’d profit from it.
there is far too much animosity on d21 atm, i really think people should just read articles, comment if they enjoy them or if something particularly riles them, and even then, it should be done in a discursive way as opposed to just calling it shit but hey what do i know i’m just a balanced person
Pete: Sorry MATE, but this kind of antipathy towards any divergence on the part of other people towards your opinions doesn’t exactly do much for the quality of debate. However, considering the time it was posted, I will assume that this anger was down to lack of sleep
To be honest, I think that the fact that Durham is disconnected from any sort of reality is part of its charm, and I wouldn’t describe this article as ‘Durham-bashing’ per se; merely a wry look at certain of the university’s foibles. It’s called humour.
Ah, sorry for putting (author), I’m still logged on from commenting on my own article; that wasn’t an attempt at plagiarism or anything
Whilst I do agree with George that this is a satirical article (and one which I do like) and thus not to be taken too seriously- and am also aware this is a little off the point of the article- I do have to also agree with Pete. Durham is not ‘disconnected from any sort of reality’. I live, and always have lived, in London, one of the world’s major cities, and I don’t view Durham as being cut off from reality. It’s a small town, yes, but so are hundreds of towns in the UK. My suspicion is people think it’s cut off from reality more by their own decision not to leave it from time to time (no one can accuse Newcastle of being cut off from reality) and/or pay attention to the news than because of anything inherent to the place. Or possibly by ‘cut off from reality’ mean quieter than a big city and a long way from the capital. Both these things can certainly be viewed as positive attributes, but don’t make Durham ‘unreal’.
Anyway, sorry again for posting this on a not-very-relevant article (perhaps someone should write an article actually on this issue…maybe I should if I stop being lazy), and none of this is an attack on anyone (@Jaqueline, agreed on the level of animosity, not just on D21). Feel very free to ignore me if you wish.
Very astute. And refreshingly nothing to do with the Lions. I actually personally really like Durham although I’m northern too and from a very small odd town so perhaps I just have an unreality chip on my shoulder. It wasn’t the crux of the article but perhaps I shouldn’t have been so flippant with my comments about the lack of realism. I sometimes feel that a lot of aspects of Durham are quite unreal, but this would be the same for any close-quarters university wherein you run into the same people every day… Durham is quite dissimilar to larger city universities like Manchester or Liverpool, but probably the same as Warwick, Oxbridge, etc.
Also I am from St John’s College which probably sways my opinion a bit.
Nick that is by far the worst lions squad I could ever have read – too much bias towards the England team methinks…
Haha, nice one Stevie. Really enjoyed this. I should point out, however, that being dirty and smelly is far worse than having severe OCD. My dirty smelly house-mates, however, may wish to argue conversely. I don’t think any of us can wait to go out separate ways at the end of this!
As a ‘parent’!! loved your article, Stevie – my first year undergrad is about to endure her first house share and I am fearful for her sanity as she is likely to have SERIOUS ocd!! good luck to her housemates to be!!
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