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Exam 101

Posted on 12th May 2010. 2 Comments

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No, having a warm bath and eating porridge isn’t going to help if you’re screwed. Neither is breathing in deeply. Or dabbling in tai chi (it’s essentially just moving your hands around… how is that going to achieve anything except lubrication of the wrist joints?)

However, there are some things you can do in the lead-up to exams that may at least provide some sort of vague entertainment whilst everyone around you turns prematurely bald, grey or fat from stress:

How To Make The Most Of Revision Breaks

Main Library

Smoke. If you don’t smoke, take it up. If this goes against your ethical code then inform the smokers outside they are going to die.

Go on Fitfinder and contribute some ‘hilarious’ in-joke which nobody finds amusing.

Pull laptop cables out of sockets. Target people who look as though they are about to cry.

Buy Seabrook Beefy crisps. Apparently nobody else does.

Emulate the borrowing machine whilst standing uncomfortably close to fellow students in the silent study area.

Get off with the borrowing machine.

Go to Level 2 of the Main Library and focus in on one person you know the name of, but are not comfortably acquainted with. Document every move they make for half an hour before sending them your observations from an anonymous gmail account.

Put a pound in the vending machine so the next person to use it gets two free chocolate bars. Isn’t that nice?

Kill a man in the moving journals section.

Palace Green

Notice how singularly attractive everyone is, feel terrible about yourself and leave.

How To Revise

Spend an inordinate amount on a hard-back notepad, coloured post-its and highlighters that look a bit like cats. Place in a box under the bed. Proceed to write all revision notes on the back of lecture hand-outs, receipts and drinks coasters.

Take up a kooky time-consuming hobby such as sculpting, collaging or collecting rare nazi memorabilia.

Underline things in books using the same biro until everything you have highlighted becomes redundant. Panic.  

Compile a list of words you aim to get into your exam paper for entertainment purposes; come two hours into your fifth stint in Maiden Castle you’ll be glad of it. Flambee, Doily and Gandhi (for maths students) are all fairly inspirational choices.

Only read up on critics, historians, philosophers etc with amusing names.

Drink caffeinated beverages (4 knock-off red bull’s in for £1 from Tesco- other commercial outlets, drinks and offers are available) then talk very loudly about how ‘mental’ you feel from all the caffeine and how ‘literally addicted’ you have become.

Invent impossible acronyms for completely unsuitable  recall  purposes:  LABBBSOAATETSRITR (Looks A Bit Bobbly But Sort Of Ascends At The End To Show Rise In Tax Returns) for various, and important graphs etc.

Suggest an essay-sharing evening with the four most intelligent people on the course. ‘Forget’ yours.

Anyone who tells you they can only learn ‘visually’ , ‘orally’ or ‘when in the presence of an owl’ is deluded. The Look, Cover, Write, Check method worked for the SAT’s and it will work now. Unless you got crap SAT’s, in which case start googling your nearest menagerie.

2 Comments »

  • Vajayjay McGee said:

    this isnt funny. i dont know how ill pass my module in “vaginal studies” with these hints and tips.

  • Jingaloo Hunter said:

    WHO PLAYS YOU IN THE FILM?