Durham Wins UK Capital of Culture ’13
Samantha Banks takes a look back at how such a prestigious award affected the little city of Durham…
“Since the council replace Durham Castle with the suggestively shaped art gallery “*~^Shh^~*”, the majority of undergraduates are none the wiser.”
As a decade passes since Durham’s bid for the UK Capital of Culture ’13 was shockingly granted, it would be prudent for D21 to take a look at the effect this award had on a once quiet city nestled twixt the northern, slightly aggressive arms of Newcastle and Sunderland. Most reading this won’t recall the time Durham was renowned for its two historical buildings (without the cathedral, it would have merely been an attractive array of cake outlets) and horrifically monotonous nightlife. Jonty Duffield-Waterhorse, a second year Historian, furrows his manicured brow: ‘Did there used to be a castle? Is that why some people get the name wrong for University College?’ It seems, since the council replaced Durham Castle with the suggestively shaped Art gallery “*~^Shh^~*”, the majority of undergraduates are none the wiser.
The sound of protest is a mere echo of the past, the images of locals wielding billboards and banners adorned with such phrases as ‘Culture Not Art!’, ‘Bring Back Our Historical Skyline’, and ‘Down With The Art Gallery That’s Shaped Like A Pair Of Boobs’ have been relegated to the archives of time. Archives which, since Palace Green was transformed into a synagogue/ice rink, have been moved to a woman in Darlington’s shed. Yes, Durham is now home to twelve multicultural houses of worship, yes, the art gallery does uncannily resemble a pair of breasts when observed from the correct angle, and yes, a lot of history has been eradicated from the area, but surely that is reconciled by the glory of the recent reclassification of the North-South divide?
“…admittedly there never really was a gap in the Durham market for a Tube system…”
For years the North East has fallen by the wayside, behind the South and more affluent areas of the Midlands (OK, one
vaguely affluent area), but now the tables have finally turned. The relocation of Buckingham Palace may have caused some lamentable space issues, and admittedly there never really was a gap in the Durham market for a Tube system, but do I hear anyone complaining about the Viaduct?
‘Le Viaducte is certainly the most exhilarating place in the world,’ Elizabeth Hurley told The Sunday Times last week after purchasing one of the £3 million May Street properties in late July, and who can deny this statement? Certainly not her next-door-neighbours the Beckham’s, in their newly renovated duplex. Nor Jess Porpington-Kingsley as she revels in her fourteen bedroom mansion, a third year student from Hatfield. It is the most exhilarating place in the world.
The view from the student high rise blocks in Neville’s Cross is very different to what it would have been a decade ago. ‘It’s the same as halls really,’ Randy McGuff, a John’s fresher explains when asked about the current accommodation, ‘except obviously it’s not catered, and the lift keeps breaking”. Teresa FunBag feels differently: “I can’t wait to get out of here,’ she moans, ‘but when I live out, I’ll be a forty minute bus ride away. I suppose it’s the lesser of two evils’. Current Principal of Durham University, Janet Manwater, defended her controversial decision to house students in Sunderland with a typical eloquence now common amongst what is left of the teaching staff, ‘There’s nowhere else for them to f*****g go is there?’. When prodded for further information, she began to repeat the word ‘tw*t’ before breaking down in tears.
“…many have said they can hear the faint sound of London’s death knell…”
On the plus side, the nightlife continues to grow and grow. Fishtank, situated opposite the Beckham’s duplex, recently won the Club Most Likely To Change Its Name And Reopen Seventeen Times A Year award, narrowly beating close rivals Reform Place, or whatever they have decided to call themselves this month. Since the opening of Mahiki on Crossgate, many have said they can hear the faint sound of London’s death knell, as the population steadily streams up the M6 instead of down it. The streets, once paved with gold, are now paved with embarrassment after Prime Minister David Cameron made the fatal error last week of referring to Durham as the capital of England on live television. Unsurprisingly, the only complaints lodged came from 020 area codes.
As we look forward to a new year, hoping Durham will overtake Bangor in the next edition of The Good University Guide, or at least attain some sort of ranking, we are left in awe at how much one unlikely award really did change the once sleepy, slightly backward, city of Durham. Who’d have thought?
Samantha Banks
Brilliant stuff. These heady days of the twenties would never have been possible had it not been for such a small opportunity, so phenomenally well delivered.
Can you believe there used to be an historic old bridge called “prebends” connecting the big Walmart at Cuths.bailycentral to an old wood, underneath where the new metacrete flyover goes. I saw an old map found caught in a tree by the gallery a few years back. Amazingly, it showed there was a river which used to flow though the town!
There should really be a “hot articles” box, with the “recently commented upon” articles. Quicker to get to new stuff than the “most commented” box there is currently.
A quality imagination. See you at the fishbonk!
If you don’t have anything constructive to say you should just stay out of the comments forum and let other more nobly minded commentators speak their platitudes in peace.
I don’t see how asking for a hot comments box is anything to do with the article, quite honestly! Well done Sam, lovingly written and a joy to behold. Your hair is like the golden thread of heaven and your breasts abounding in fullness.
I want to improve the site. At least I’m doing my best. Unlike your pitifully humourless effort “Party lover”. I personally prefer Miss Banks’ intellect. And post sober. After an evenings study.
Why don’t we all admit this was made up and none of the events written about took place? Fabsugs post is just worrying encouragement for the type of poor quality drivel D21 is prone to produce. Once I had asked my two friends what their opinions were, they confirmed my assertion, adding that people only read the comments board for the article! HA.
Look, I’ll have to correct myself… Obviously meant article for the comments bored.
Itsh! meant board.
Shit!
You can’t possibly not have noticed your errors “Unammused”. Even your name is mis-spelt. Your misappropriation of Anglo-Saxon is despicable.
Te futueo et equum tuum!
I have google too Impudens es leno. Can I join the argument?
This website never ceases to amaze me.
I think this is great, it’s creative and it made me laugh. Well done Samantha.
Dear Samatha Banks
I applaud your tremendous prose and supremely ironic vision of the future.
I would heartily recommend you spend a month or two living in Wheatley Hill or Chilton, rather than your undoubtedly palatial Castle dorm room, and then revisit the notion of why Durham may be seeking to regenerate its economic fortunes, using, yes, of all things – Culture.
Residents are, unlike students, not temporary citizens feeding on the belly of Durham’s aesthetic beauty and fine University, but long suffering hardy people who have to work in frankly naff jobs because this fine country is run by London for London.
I no doubt will be reading your drivel in the Sunday Times after you graduate when Dad gets you an office next to his.
Durham Mike
Dear Durham Mikey/Mike,
It’s just a sort of joke article, not meant to be offensive. I don’t know if you saw Liverpool when it got European capital of culture, but it mostly consisted of a load of brightly coloured cows with bananas instead of bottoms being placed everywhere. Thought this might be funny if taken a bit too far and put in the context of Durham. Obviously misjudged it.
Also, I live in a tiny northern town, work at a frankly naff job (cleaner in a cafe) over the vacation period and don’t go to University college. If you read my drivel in the Sunday Times that would be brilliant! Better than ‘Pick Me Up’ eh?
Sam Banks
Well said, Sam, a super retort.
In your (hugely patronising) face, Durham Mike…
So is Durham actually applying to be the cultural capital Mikey?! Gosh!
Hi Samantha
Great repost – just joshing with you really – glad you are of Northern Stock and are not wandering around in a combo of hockey shirt, pashmina with Jack Wills sweat pants, and fawning over LeBeado whenever you stumble past it after a night in the champagne bar.
Your writing was cool, very creative, and as I am a big fan of the culture bid – thought to give it a knock and see what came back.
Shame about Smithy who seems not to have been watching the local news, reading the mighty Durham Times, or taking any notice of the LUmiere Festival which gave a taste of what is achievable in Durham – maybe he was too busy drinking snakebite in the college bar. Yes, Durham is bidding for UK City of Culture in 2013…..
Anyhow, as a grad of a similarly stuffy red brick uni, I urge you to keep at it on the writing front – Pick me Up or Not – maybe even Take a Break, but sometimes do that unstudenty thing and back something that is good for everyone not just the student community.
Had fun on the forum – best go back to work now – hope Durham does get a Music Academy on North Road and some of the violence abates at Yates!! Best Wishes Durham Mike
Mmmm, Snakebite. And don’t forget the black!
everyone who has posted on here so far appears to be a soft cunt with a penchant for big words they don’t understand
That’s the nature of the site son. Surprised you’re not in the showers after training!
And that should be pension, surely, not some daft french word. Bet you can’t get “penchant” paid directly into your bank account. Mind you, you’re young.
you get bunches of words like you do bananas…though that is a bad comparison, you know like Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria, but I know they’re different countries.
I’d LUV it if they lost their next comment.
This is by far one of the best (and most likely accurate) articles of student journalism I’ve read. Reminds me of Armando Iannucci’s Time Trumpet. Excellent work.
Whoops, sorry – forgot to start a pointless argument with this comment.
Time trumpet is BRILLIANT.
Thought I best point out to Smithy that DSU is supporting the Cap of Culture bid, though you do makes your points well – a lot of students do seem a little ignorant of everything around them.
Funny article – a nice satire on the road the university seems to be going down too.
Trombonist; agreed. @Dave M: Well, if DSU supports it, people can’t fail to hear about it. The DSU run like a well oiled machine! Which is why their financial situation is so good in spite of the recession…
I wish people would stop using tired student stereotypes to get the upper hand in this ridiculous battle of words between students and other people who live in the area. Notice how swiftly DurhamMikey’s tone towards the author of the article changed when he found out she was also from the North, and possibly was not brought up in the extremely wealthy conditions he expected. Surely this kind of discrimination against students from perceived wealthier backgrounds is just as bad as these students apparently treating local residents with contempt? Yes, a significant proportion of Durham students do come from the south of England, many of them from relatively prosperous areas, and I will admit that some of them are reprehensible idiots. However, being brought up in the south or in relative wealth does not automatically make someone an entitled idiot. Equally, for every arrogant trust-fund student in Durham, there is someone else using them as a punching-bag for their anger against a government that they feel has failed them economically and/or socially. There’s plenty of blame to be attributed to both sides, but quite why everyone insists on continuing this pointless battle is beyond me.
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