Apologies Jess, let’s hope the next few comments are related to your article! Fingers crossed!

P.S. I also got your number from some mongo group asking for lost numbers, might give you a ring later on. I know this relationship hasn’t started particularly well, but think about it, you could be a WAG and tea lady for Nigeria’s finest.

Think about it.

Love,
Shola xxx

I am glad to hear you are an admirer of my world-class ability with a football. As a matter of fact, if you post your e-mail, address, blood group and bank details on here, Nile and I are going to send you a picture of us in the shower, along with an unmissable offer to aid a Nigerian billionaire in his desperate attempt to salvage funds confiscated by the Nigerian government.

As of your second request, I am afraid I will have to answer in the negative. As well as being a world class striker in the vein of Francis Jeffers, I also see myself as a missionary. I have been sent by the gods of my native Whitley Bay to dispense verbal justice across the world, and I feel it is my god-given duty to put a few students, who have clearly fallen prey to the ungodly regime of a pro-immigration, anti-family values government, back on the straight and narrow through my brand of verbal castigation. I hope you, being male, and (I can only assume) British, will understand that this is a mission of such importance that I can do little but ignore the puny, leftist rules of an Internet forum.

I would ask you to make me a cup of tea as a token of gratitude for this illuminating explanation of my beliefs, but I am inclined to believe that this is a job for idle women and not editors of highly popular media outlets.

Best regards,
Shola Ameobi
Scorer of 39 goals in the top two tiers of English football

Whilst I admire your ball skills, I don’t quite understand your interest in a) tea consumption and b) writing comments which I then have to immediately take down. I don’t mind the former, but the latter is really annoying.

Could you possibly stop being so pointlessly insulting? I am not referring to this forum, but pretty much every other forum you have ever written in.

Thanks!

Stevie