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The Curse of the iPhone

Posted on 6th November 2009. 11 Comments

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It’s all very well having an iPhone, but Sam Eagers wishes you’d stop going on about it…

“Some of you might already own one, but sadly, for these people, it is too late.”

untitledSince 2007 a device has been released into the general population that is starting to affect its users. The Apple iPhone is the name of this new threat, and it is much more deadly than swine flu. All of you will have heard of this hellish creation, but many will not fully understand the impact it is having on the current population. Some of you might already own one, but sadly, for these people, it is too late. 

My main problem with the iPhone is not the device; it’s brilliant, aside from  the noticeably crap battery life. Not only does it feature a touchscreen allowing you to  listen to music, access the internet and make use of all the iTunes applications, but the user can download a seemingly limited array of applications, or “apps”  from the useful (The Complete Works of Shakespeare) to the pointless (Look I Can Drink A Beer On The Screen). So the iPhone is a useful, entertaining and live-enhacing device. But why do people that own iPhones feel the need to let you know that they do, every five seconds? Given any opportunity, they will whip it out quicker than Russell Brand and explain how it has changed their lives. I love a good story from anyone, but not when it is about a device that cost £350 even if it is “really cool”. When asked “What phone do you have?” the response should always be “it doesn’t matter.” However, iPhone users will feel compelled to show and talk about all the cool applications that they have downloaded, how you can instantly check out your message history, how they can use their mobile as a torch, a satnav or a lawnmower (probably, soon). One of my ‘friends’ demonstrated this to me – “Look, it’s like a shotgun,” he said making to what any non-contaminated person would judge, a dubious gesture. Perhaps this is symbolic.

 ”Even the marketing for Apple is desperate…”

Like a virus, the Apple infection has spread provoking more and more macbook-pro-24-carat-goldpeople to look to other Apple products – especially the ubiquitous Macbook. This strain is also equally deadly, as the infected try desperately to justify spending five times the amount of money of any normal laptop, when it can’t play most computer games. Admittedly there is more to computers than playing games, but the Mac needs to use Windows applications, as that is what every business and university uses. The infected tell you, foaming at the mouth, that it doesn’t get viruses. Well, neither will my Dell since I downloaded free anti-viral software. Even the marketing for Apple is desperate. “You can do amazing stuff right out of the box…It’s better at the things you do everyday.” Clearly using an Apple product means that it removes your imagination to use better nouns than ‘stuff’ or ‘things’.

 A part of my brain tells me that I am jealous of these products. However, this is the same part of my brain that reasoned Nick Griffin is a tolerant man who loves everyone equally, especially foreigners. I like the product, but I don’t like the effect it has on people. Over time, hopefully the craze will subside. Either that, or we’ll all end up buying iPhones.

 Sam Eagers


  • Calum said:

    Once you go Mac, you never go back. (typed using my macbook, which has no viruses :D)

  • Mariah Carey said:

    This is an awful piece of writing.
    I’m sorry, but it is.
    From reading this, it is obvious that you have never properly used either an iPhone, or a mac.
    You should really spend a lot more time researching your topics before you write about them.
    “The user can download a seemingly limited array of applications”.
    Surely the 50,000+ library of apps does not constitute a ‘limited array’? Especially when you compare that with the iPhone’s competitors:
    Apps across smart-phone platforms.
    Nice effort, Sam, but you failed.

  • Stevie said:

    Just a small note- Sam did write “unlimited” and it appears to have been altered during the editing. Not refuting Mariahs comment just making sure it’s known that the particular example given was a typo.

  • Jane said:

    Not so shit that you had the time to read through the whole thing, search for mistakes, and then comment on the mistakes!

  • Mariah Carey said:

    Oh no, the mistakes were glaringly obvious. No searching was necessary.

  • Sam said:

    Mariah Carey:
    Hi Mariah Carey,

    I find your comments puzzelling to say the least. If you have issue with the style of writing – fair enough. However, in the article I actually praise the iPhone. Quite a lot. My issue is that the device is so expensive, that all who own one feel they have to justify the expenditure for it, by telling everyone they meet how super special awesome it is. You I fear, may be one of these people. It is probably true that if I go Mac, I would never go back (I found that quite witty calum) – but because I don’t want to put my family and friends under duress, I will try to resist temptation to buy it.

  • Mike said:

    “live-enhancing”? “anti-viral software”? – (should be anti-virus, anti-viral is only really ever used when referring to the medications)

    A bit of sub editing might be useful here. Not major mistakes but quite painful to read.

  • Matt said:

    “as that is what every business and university uses”

    Not if that business or university department is in any way involved in anything creative!

  • Emma said:

    This article made me giggle, mostly because it reminded me of something I read in the Summer. If my memory servesme correctly, one of the top 10 jokes at the Edinburgh comedy festival was “To all those who own an iPhone: Congratulations, you bought it. You did not invent it.”
    (Or words to that effect.)

  • Vajayjay McGee said:

    Lets all eat some cake.

    Vajayjay cake that is!!

  • Sophie Chichester said:

    Beautiful. Beautiful.
    I fell in love when I saw this.
    i think we may be soulmates.
    I cant get enough – WHERE CAN I GET MORE….sexy.