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Lecturer blames students bad exam performances on everything but his teaching

Posted on 5th October 2008. No Comment

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With his module marks projected to reach an all-time low, Philosophy lecturer Albert Gonnigal has blamed his students ineffectual attempts on a wide variety of factors except for his teaching skills. Dr Gonnigal’s increasing exasperation at the efforts of his students is matched only by their frustration with his inability to communicate information in any meaningful manner.

“Good grief!” exclaimed Dr Gonnigal as he marked yet more scripts of low quality, “this buffoon has little or no understanding of the criticisms levelled at Hegel’s master-slave dialectic by his intellectual successors.” He then queried whether anyone had been listening when he had originally explained this concept, in a hurried five minutes at the end of a lecture that had involved digressions on Durham’s morning traffic and the disputed cooking skills of Mrs Gonnigal.

The Philosophy lecturer noticed a pattern of errors. “Here’s another incompetent idiot who has called Nietzche’s superman Zanafustra,” he despaired, “I know I made some typos on that handout but they could have all gone and checked that it was correct.” Dr Gonnigal then proclaimed his theory that such a universal error pointed to wide-ranging stupidity amongst his students, rather than incompetence on his part.

Another student came in for criticism due to his theory regarding Schopenhaeur’s explanation of the phenomenal and noumenal, one that was divergent with that held by Dr Gonnigal. “He’s clearly attempted some wider reading of rather flawed books,” stated the not highly respected lecturer whilst giving the essay eight out of 25, “if he’d just stuck to what I’d said in the lecture and written on the handouts he would have done much better.”

Whilst Dr Gonnigal has provided a wide variety of reasons for the low marks received by his group, they are unanimous in their analysis of the problem. “He’s just fucking useless,” declared third year student Alfie Muncher, “every week he would just come in a mumble something for an hour and we wouldn’t have a bloody clue what it was about.” Defending himself further Mr Muncher explained that attempts to remedy the situation were caused not by his failings, but those of his teacher. “Sure, I would have used the reading list to learn what the hell he was wittering on about if the lazy sod had even given us a damn reading list in the first place,” he reasoned.

Despite such complaints, Dr Gonnigal remains frustrated: “I can’t believe these cretins I’m forced to spend my time on, a great mind like mine is just wasted here.”

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