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English Literature student left with no outlet for well-researched views on Shakespeare

Posted on 5th October 2008. No Comment

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Studious bookworm and English Literature finalist Thomas Dauber has declared himself “bursting” with an in-depth knowledge of Shakespeare, yet bereft of any suitable outlet into which to channel it. Since the end of his Shakespeare exam nearly a week ago, Mr Dauber has resorted to expounding his views to the bathroom mirror in an attempt to avoid “Bard implosion”.

“There isn’t any angle on Hamlet I don’t know about,” announced Mr Dauber, “and it’s so frustrating not to be able to put it to any use. Sure, I could get it all out for three hours during the exam, but where can I turn now? It’s just all built up inside me, all going to waste. The kind of radical take I have on Ophelia deserves an audience.”

“It seems a shame to revise for so long, to learn so much, and then not be able to use it practically after the exam is over,” continued Mr Dauber whist munching on the final chocolate digestive of a small out-of-date packet. “My housemates don’t want to know, the JCR don’t want to know, and my lecturers certainly aren’t interested.”

Mr Dauber went on to explain how an hour-long phone call to his parents the previous weekend had featured five minutes of conversation and a fifty-five minute discourse on Ariel’s similarities to Caliban in The Tempest. Housemates of Mr Dauber have confirmed that the Kingsgate regular has posted several essays on his University website, and taken to scattering yellow post-it notes around the house, each bearing a key line from Macbeth.

“If things don’t improve soon I’m going to have to start taking out past papers from the library and doing them,” confessed an obviously strained Mr Dauber. “Oh what it is to be ignorant. I’m like a walking Aladdin’s cave of Bard-related knowledge, but who’s willing to rub my lamp?”

“I’m a Marlowe man myself,” admitted long-time friend Charlie Robbins, “but all Tom’ll talk about is Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare. The last thing people want to be hearing about after exams is academic issues like the deeper motivations of Iago or the homoeroticism of Measure for Measure. It just goes to prove my point that all arts degrees are shallow, pointless and completely lacking in substantial, important information.”

Graduates with a higher-than-average knowledge of the works of William Shakespeare have been known to pursue careers as librarians, publishers, doctors, courier drivers and pet store sales assistants. “It’s not really the number one attribute we’re looking for,” commented Accenture spokesman Frank Walker.

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