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DSU can’t beat them, joins them

Posted on 5th October 2008. No Comment

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After years of opposing various Old Shire Hall initiatives which were deemed detrimental to the well-being of Durham students – but making no noticeable difference whatsoever – DSU President Emily Fieran-Reed announced today that all further policy will fall in line with the wishes of Sir Kenneth Calman.

“We have always realised that we are ignored whenever we object to the Vice-Chancellor’s plans to make money off the back of already poor students, but we battled on out of a sense of moral duty. Now we have decided to get a piece of the action.”

“Show us the money.” added Miss Fiernan-Reed, displaying the characteristic topical humour which helped her storm to the Presidential position backed by a resounding 9% of the student population.

DSU Council have agreed that in return for allowing Mr Calman to introduce whatever cost-cutting, department-closing measures he so desires, the central DSU budget will see a 20% share.

“By our new way of thinking, the student population will see a noticeable increase in ready cash” insisted DSU Treasurer Paul Leake. “Refurbishment of the DSU offices and a 3.4% increase in the sabbatical officers wages are just two of the schemes that will now be possible for the benefit of everyone.”

In response to faint opposition at college level that the elected university officers have abandoned their duties, Mr Leake said, “We are working as hard as ever. This is not mere weak-willed capitulation – we are actively embracing the forces of evil.”

New policies outlined at this weeks AGM include increasing DSU membership fee by 150%, and requisitioning a quarter of all money raised by D.U.C.K.

“This will be remembered as the time when things actually happened.” Welfare Officer Heather Richardson noted. “So a few of the poor students wont now be able to afford to pay their tuition fees, or even the new Student Relaxation Tax we are imposing onto all ents and bars, but at least when they come to me with their worries they’ll be able to sit in one of my new leather recliners.”

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