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Confident love machine mask finally dropped after three futile years

Posted on 5th October 2008. No Comment

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Chad’s finalist Carl “Tiger” White is finally dropping his confident love machine persona in favour of being himself for his last four weeks in Durham. “I’m sick of keeping it up,” he admitted, having not shaved for the first time since October 1999, “it didn’t get me anywhere at all.”

Mr White’s reputation was founded in freshers’ week when he amazed new friends with astounding tales of sexual conquests and feats. He then went on to earn the title “the Chad’s love machine” with a series of passionate and torrid relationships. “They just made me feel awful,” Mr White confessed, “all I really want to do is sit in front of the television and eat pizza. Any pizza.”

The late-night reveller has also admitted that his “blonde bombshell” girlfriend from home is a complete fabrication. “It was all lies,” said Mr White, “every last thing I said. Except for the bit about an erotic weekend in Paris, that really did happen to a friend of mine.” Neighbours confirm that the Sheffield Wednesday fan did nothing during the holidays except mow the lawn for his parents and rent videos.

“I don’t even like Klute,” claimed the man who once spent fourteen successive nights within its beer-stained walls. “I don’t like drinking, I don’t like partying, I don’t like treating girls like objects. Well not much. Most of the them I made up anyway: there never was a Scandinavian snowboarder living in Neville’s Cross.”

Friends reacted with sympathy and astonishment to Mr White’s revelations. “I thought there was no one having a better time here than Tiger,” said ex-housemate Gary Maldon, “and now it turns out he doesn’t like the taste of vodka? What? After that night in Hatfield? It must have been torture for him.”

“I’m looking forward to slacking around in jeans and a tshirt,” said Mr White, having spent the previous nine terms in immaculate smart casual branded clothing, “and I’m getting rid of the mirrored sunglasses. What was I thinking?”

“It’ll be good to just do the things I want to do at last,” concluded Mr White, who has never enjoyed Planet of Sound. “I got caught up in a whirlwind back at the start and all I ever wanted was to be accepted. A love machine surely stands a better chance than someone who wants to visit the Old Fulling Mill and go to bed at 11pm, don’t they? I could’ve joined the public library and everything.”

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