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Cautious optimism as 3,000 graduates released into the wild

Posted on 5th October 2008. No Comment

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University authorities have expressed cautious optimism over the future of three thousand new graduates released from Durham this month. Having completed three and four year training programmes designed to prepare them for the real world, the graduates will now be expected to fend for themselves and carve out their own niche in the wild.

“God bless ‘em,” cried Maths warden Matthias Jones, an atheist who once covered his grandmother’s tablecloth with wax crayon. “We’ve done all we can, and it’s down to them now. There might be one or two sticky moments, but I think most of them will be okay. I think they’ll be okay.” Dr Jones then wiped either a tear or speck of dust from his eye, before adding, “God bless ‘em, every one.”

The students have been carefully trained in cooking, cleaning, making conversation with complete strangers, and gazing dumbly at textbooks. They all should have skills in listening, presenting, writing and crossing busy roads. “We’ve treated them like the fragile creatures they are,” explained college tutor Mary Dean, “but now they’re ready for the next step. If they can carry four pint glasses in two hands, then they can certainly get a job in a bank.”

Most of the graduates are expected to live on the undemanding, lush plains of accountancy, although experts suggest some of the most stubborn may try and settle in the bitter, unforgiving wasteland of the media industry. For the first few months, essentials such as food and shelter may still be provided by the students’ parents, if they can be located by their young.

“The kind of emotions they’ll be going through are anxiety and bewilderment,” commented head zookeeper Sir Kenneth Calman, “but that’s all part of the process of becoming a fully grown adult. What we’ve done is given them a chance of survival, a chance to make it out there in the big wide world. And they can thank us financially for the next ten or twenty years of their lives. Woof woof.”

Graduates may gather together in small groups initially, especially around the London area. A University spokesperson confirmed that the weakest and most vulnerable could return to the comfort of student life, but those who don’t become postgraduates should “strike out west and don’t look back. Fly away! Fly far away!”

A three-month documentary is, as yet, not planned.

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