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Best three years of life actually really depressing

Posted on 5th October 2008. 2 Comments

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Thousands of students about to graduate have expressed their despair and depression over what was supposed to have been the best three years of their lives. Despite promises from parents and older friends that their time of student would be halcyon days of joy, many have felt short-changed and disappointed.

“Maybe it’s me but that was pretty much shit,” said typical graduand Phil Hubbison. “What have the last three years consisted of: stressful essay deadlines, crippling financial problems and a series of soul-destroying setbacks. Well good riddance.” Mr Hubbison’s views do not represent a significant departure from previously held viewpoints: he has spent most of his final year declaring that he was looking forward to leaving Durham.

Many feel disappointed having had high expectations on arrival. “My dad told me on my first day that he wished he was in my place because his university time was the happiest period of his life,” said leaver Mary Montison. “Well, either he’s had a pretty shit life or I’ve really missed out somewhere.” To substantiate her case Miss Montison cited the fact that her existence had become increasingly dependent on alcohol whilst becoming disillusioned with the future through a lack of immediate job prospects. “It’s just made me cynical and pissed off,” she said, “after all what has university done for me? Taught me a load of stuff I’ll never know again and shown that the world runs via nepotism and not ability.”

It’s not just that many have not enjoyed the past three years but they now feel increasingly bleak about the future. “The fact that these were apparently the best three years of our life implies that it is just downhill from now,” observed Roger McHanty, who starts an accountancy job in August. “Considering that I’ve spent the last thirty-six months in a futile attempt to get sex, please forgive me if I’m not really that excited about the rest of my life.”

However, such realisations are apparently both normal and transitory according to noted psychiatrists. “Within a few months nearly all of these students will have dramatically changed their views on university life,” explained Professor Fandster of Oxford University. “They will have forgotten all the bad elements and just selectively remembered the periods of fun, however, small, and believe all of their three years was such an experience.” Professor Fandster states that similar emotions already exist with regards to the remembrance of student’s childhood: “They already highlight the enjoyable aspects such as the television programmes and school sports days whilst forgetting the toilet training, painful transition of puberty and having to study subjects they hated.” All concerned have been diagnosed with the human condition.

2 Comments »

  • Roger said:

    The Shalott!

  • Roger said:

    I mean shallot