Main Library v. Palace Green. Charlotte Spencer-Smith v. Sean Barnes. This time it’s personal (or perhaps not)…

In the red corner, representing the main library, Charlotte ‘the Facebook stalker’ Spencer-Smith -

‘It is highly unlikely that you will venture into the main library within the first six weeks of your arrival at Durham, which is a shame, primarily because, crazily, a significant part of being at university is studying and books, and also because it contains many hidden delights not discovered by most until some way through the second year. It would be a factual misrepresentation to say that the library ‘rocks’. The library does not rock. The feeling that the library does not rock becomes all the more acute when it is juxtaposed with Sheffield University Library, which rocks harder than a psychedelic gothic lock-in orgy with Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Moon by virtue of its many, many books and 500 computer stations.

Nevertheless, there are many good reasons to visit the library aside from the burning need to write 1500 words on Saxon agricultural techniques by Wednesday, and most of these are social reasons. While contemporary Western societies divide their peoples into socioeconomic classes (working-class, middle-class, and posh people who set up strange businesses – what the hell is ‘lifestyle management’?), the library divides people up like the Communists did – into subjects – sciency people on the sciency floor, social sciences on the top floor, and philosophy and modern languages in the Pit of Sarlacc, where they belong.

It’s a useful way of honing your Facebook stalking skills; advance search your chosen stranger’s college from their college stash, and then their subject from which aisle they’re standing in, and bingo, you’re one step closer to a restraining order. Now that the library has wireless internet, you can do it while staring right at them! If you’re not too freaked out by the sight of hundreds of finalists studying with great intensity until midnight, the most magical time to be in the library is during the pre-exam revision season. For most students, the library cafe becomes the only point of contact with other human entities, and the DSU chocolate brownies sold there become their sole source of nutrition. While the popular assertion that the library is a hot hook-up spot is unfounded (students visiting the library with the aim of completing a 10,000 word project worth 100% of the module in two weeks may notice a sign hanging above its entrance: “abandon sex life all ye who enter here”), during revision it becomes the home of the Unnecessarily Elaborate Matchmaking Scheme, invented as a highly effective measure against Actually Doing Any Work.

There are other reasons to go to the main library; it houses what appears to be the only working scanner in the university, it satisfies your sudden need for an Arabic dictionary while wandering around in a wine-sodden academic gown at quarter to ten at night, and in addition to this, it contains absolutely no books on Law.’

And her opponent, defending the honour of Palace Green, Sean ‘the PG poet’ Barnes –

‘Hi, I’m a third year. As such I understand completely what you’re going through. Libraries are obviously top of your agenda when considering your first days in Durham. And, while a few may worry about making friends and finding their way around a strange city, coping on their own for three or more years while trying to get a degree, possibly getting a job and probably becoming a fully grown adult, the wise among you will carefully be considering your choice of library. Now, it’s not a choice as such, but if you have your wits about you you’ll heed my warning. DO NOT. Become. A library. Whore.

You will rarely venture in to the library in your first term. Even after that, your visits could be infrequent. But when the time comes and you need to do that essay, or you need to revise and you want to get out of your room and/or house, do not go to the main library. Go to the nice little library on Palace Green, in between the Castle and the Cathedral. It’s small, not a lot of people go there, it’s calm, quiet, and you can get your work done. Then you can get out and have fun. Would you rather spend the whole day stuck in the main library, half working, half distracted by friends and people who think you’re their friend but to whose mouth you actually want to fill with rotten badger corpses, or (and trust me, this is the better option) spend one full morning blasting through the work with no distractions and then having the rest of the day free? Maybe you do prefer the first one. If so, then so be it. But when push comes to shove, even if it’s not socially preferable (which I think it is, anyway), when it comes to serious work – you know it makes sense.

You can also have sex there, which isn’t really possible in the main library. Apart from those private reading rooms they have, but they’re cheating. And on that bombshell I bid you farewell. With a little
rhyme to nudge your conscience in the right direction. Thank you for listening.’

Grassy square
The eyes delight
Castle sits
A wondrous sight
Cathedral towers
Forever to be seen
And the library waits
On Palace Green

In this place, you can be sure
No social contact to endure
Just sit and read, and learn and write
Get back home before the night

No wasted time with false hellos
Half-hearted laughs
And complimenting clothes

Just a quiet space with few people by
Do what’s needed, and off you fly
You don’t need your swipe card
Or to smile and look nice;
Palace Green Library.

Sound Advice.