“….., erm, eeee, hiwello, a/s/l, eeeekkk, crobghsl.” Struggling to initiate a conversation? Read Aunty Stevie‘s advice…

Having been thrown into a College wherein you know nobody, it is vital to master the art of the FWC, this first conversation between two complete strangers that you will experience approximately 400,000 times before the end of your final year. This crucial, fleeting communication can cause panic attacks, sudden death syndrome, stuttering and even worse… the Awkward Silence, but if you’re anxious and worrying about what on earth you’re going to have to talk about then please stop. I hereby give you permission to feel elated, perhaps now would be a good time to perform a jubilant dance or emit some sort of whooping sound because you, yes YOU can rest safe in the knowledge that, by reading this article, you will be fluent in FWC-speak.

The Basics
Ask any second year about conversations during Freshers’ Week and they will say the same thing, probably coupled with an exasperated expression. Whereabouts are you from? What do you study? What A levels did you do? Ask these questions and observe closely the person to whom you have fired them at; their eyes may glaze over, their voice becoming monotone, their hands restless, if you look extra closely you may notice them hanging themselves from a nearby beam or conveniently placed banister. Seriously, what’s the next question going to be; how much does their dog weigh? Of course these subjects are going to come up, but for the love of all things holy and sacred, don’t begin with them. It’s just unimaginative.

If you, yourself, are asked these questions (which you undoubtedly will be) do not make a hasty exit/surreptitiously swallow arsenic; the Fresher in question evidently isn’t au fait with the perils and pitfalls of creative conversation. Pity them. Guide them to a world of amazement and wonder, a world far away from ‘So what A Levels did you do?’. More often than not, people use these questions as a sort of fallback or safety net – but it turns out that by asking over a hundred people the same questions, you will never be able to remember the answers. So when that SFS (Surprisingly Fit Speciman. The surprise element of this acronym stemming from the fact that it is Durham we’re talking about) sees you a second time and you have to ask him the exact same questions all over again… well, it’s just rude.

The Art of the Opener
Now you have no safety net, what in the name of arse are you going to say to these people? It’s easy. At the bar? Make some disparaging comment about the length of time you’re waiting to get your drinks. Tell him/her to avoid the Long Island Iced Tea because it resembles . Ask them what they’re getting and whether they know any amazing cocktails because you’re stuck on what to have. Use the environment you’re in to start the conversation, because it appears natural. Is the barman a clog wearing transvestite with a tattoo of Satan on his right thigh? You’ve struck conversation gold.

With openers, try and refrain from using grade A swear words, topics that could cause offence (for example, racism, sexism, hairism, politics, comments about PMT) outlandish lies or bold declarations. For instance, a good opener would be, ‘Hey, that coat is really cool, where did you get it? I can’t find one anywhere..’. A bad opener would be, ‘Hey, I cannot stand people from minority cultures. Personally I think they should all be shot’, or ‘Hey, I invented balloons’. The first one could easily cause offence, and the second is just a bit weird. Additionally, you may want to avoid staring intensely into their eyes without blinking, drooling excessively, or repeatedly turning your eyelids inside out.

The Rebound
You’ve asked her what she thinks of Cosmopolitan cocktails, had a giggle and dared each other to order the ‘Toffee Gang Bang’… but now it slips into unknown territory once again. You feel the shadow of the Awkward Silence pressing in on all sides, you grasp your throat to stop the words that are rising up, threatening to spray all over the inappropriately named beverages. Sadly the friendship never truly takes off as she backs away nervously, leaving you strangling yourself whilst turning an attractive shade of purple. The remedy? Honesty. If you start the sentence with ‘Oh god, I can feel the dreaded three questions coming on. Quickly answer and then we can get it over with…’ then you’ll appear wickedly amusing, observant and a lot more interesting than anyone else. Even a half hearted, ‘I know it’s a crap question but…’ is better than nothing. Try not to stare at her breasts even if you do feel they are Globes of Wonder and deserve your full attention. Doubly important is not to stare at her breasts whilst talking to someone completely different; always give the person you are conversing with your full attention. Or appear to.

The Rebuff
Okay, so he’s the most boring person on the entire planet and you’re steadily being slathered with spit but it’s good to get on with everybody. In these situations, a delicate, tactful excuse should be made at an appropriate point in order for you to go and chat with someone you really would enjoy getting to know; the foolproof trick? You can give any excuse providing you tag it with, ‘I’m really sorry, but hopefully I’ll see you again in a bit!’ Seriously, it’s magical. Take the following:

‘I’m just going to go get another drink.’

Considering you then promptly disappear, leaving the poor guy/girl waiting and never return, this excuse is a little bit harsh and will perhaps give you a reputation as the Spawn of Satan. However, if you tag the magical phrase onto said excuse:

‘I’m just going to go get another drink, it was nice chatting though… hopefully I’ll see you again in a bit!’

See? Yes, I know. I am actually God.

The Phrases to Avoid
· ‘I can’t stand posh people.’
· ‘Sorry, what course do you take? I wasn’t listening.’
· ‘Northerners all have relations with sheep.’
· ‘Do you know I am, in fact, an actual inbred.’
· ‘I got accepted at Oxford but turned them down.’
· ‘I would have a drink but I get suicidal when I ingest depressants and might attempt to kill myself again.’
· ‘E numbers make me go hyper!’ (there is no real reason to avoid saying this other than the fact that it’s really irritating)
· ‘Oh my god let’s be best friends.’

The Final Word
The FWC will probably not lead to everlasting friendship. Many people have said they spend one week making friends and then the whole first term trying to get rid of the friends they made in that first week… cynical perhaps, but not altogether untrue. The most important thing is not to worry; everyone is in the same boat, nobody knows anybody else and just because that really loud guy has loads of people clamouring around him, it doesn’t mean little old you will be friendless for all eternity. Unless of course you lock yourself away and refuse to make contact with others, terrified of not being able to live up to your flawless first interactions. But this won’t happen; everyone will be so dazzled by your creative, imaginative conversation that the next logical step would be for you to be fighting people off left right and centre. People don’t realise how incredibly difficult it is being hideously popular. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.