Exclusive Interview: Dillon Gregory
Johnny Façade interviews the distinguished and reclusive ex-member of the highly secretive inventing collective, Dillon Gregory…
easing the world’s suffering | combating the drudgery of food rationing
setbacks and embarrassments | xenophobia and paperclips
advice for budding young inventors
What will they think of next? A phrase I’m sure most of us have used when presented with a blindingly obvious solution to one of life’s problems. In this exclusive interview we talk to Dillon Gregory, an inventor and ex-member of the highly secretive ©ollective. The ©ollective first came to light with the invention of the drawbridge in 569 AD. Origins, numbers, resources, and location of the ©ollective have always been 
a hot and heated topic of debate. What is certain though is the shadowy ©ollective’s impact on history. Where would the civilised world be without velcro, biros, sliced bread, sudoku, colour and nitrogen – to name but six?
Two months before his retirement, Dillon Gregory was quite literally fired from the ©ollective’s secret base hidden somewhere unknown to us but not to him. What little the world already knows about Dillon has been written down; what is not known is about to be revealed. The following interview was conducted on 18th December 2005 at, in and about an undisclosed location.
JF: Thanks for taking the time to talk about your experience working for the ©ollective. I realise you can’t or are unwilling to discuss any operational details, but I was hoping you could talk about some personal experiences you’ve had. You are a distinguished inventor, what drives you?
DG: For me I invent to ease the world’s suffering. I guess that makes me sound like a prospective beauty queen, but its true. I hate to see people in pain or just wasting their precious lives performing time consuming tasks that could be eradicated with a well placed invention or two.
And you’ve made more than two inventions. What has been your proudest and/or biggest achievement?
Colour. Yes it has to be colour. It was my baby in the RAF’s Advanced Projects group. In those days I ate, drank and slept colour. Obviously it hadn’t been realised then, but it was an idea in the back of my mind. Although my superiors’ gray cells didn’t quite understand the concept they were desperate for any breakthrough weapon against Adolf. They were very supportive, both financially and emotionally – I was very emotional back then, hard to believe now I guess. [awkward pause as Dillon cleans his glasses.] The prototype was tested in Normandy during 1944, it was a fantastic success.
Your remarkable achievement was almost totally ignored though…
Yes, everybody was preoccupied by the threat of or actually being occupied, hardly anyone noticed colour. We first introduced it into bomb shells to enhance the destructive properties. Gerry was the only one to notice, I only wish I could have seen the German’s faces, they must have wet themselves. They fled pretty soon after the first tests. After the war we mass produced colour everywhere – it was a morale boost to combat the drudgery of food rationing.
You’ve just mentioned food rationing, am I right in thinking this was what led to your most famous invention?
After the war everybody was complaining. Complaints and whinges were everywhere, and not just confined to urban areas – they were in the country too. There was the whole spectrum from “Where’s my leg gone?” to “I’m hungry, can I have more bread?” In those days we couldn’t regesticulate a new leg like we can now, but what we could do was solve in a positive light the second question.
“I’m hungry, can I have more bread?”
That’s the one. People wanted more bread for their ration points. So I just suggested that the existing loaves were to be cut in half and sold as two loaves for the price of one. Buy one get one free. This scheme was a fantastic psychological success but the masses were still hungry. So again I asked for the bread halves to be halved making quarters. They gobbled it up, for a while. Can you see where I’m going with this?
I think so. What you’re saying is you kept cutting the bread into smaller and smaller fractions to combat the hunger problem.
Exactly. However at a certain point it was realised that the fractional bread loaves were just the right thickness for sandwiches – I had by accident invented sliced bread. This was now 1948 and we sold the manufacturing rights to the newly formed UN for a large amount of money and respect.
And Beijing?
Ah, this is a good one. Apparently sliced bread has only been licensed until summer 2008. After that any supplier selling sliced bread will be breaking international trading laws. If the UN choose to enforce it, and I have it on good authority that they will, it could cause an uproar at the Olympic Games – the Chinese really like their thinly sliced bread which they call rice.
So we could be arrested for eating sliced bread?
No, its like alcohol and fireworks, its the seller’s responsibility. The ban won’t affect cutting the bread yourself, just the selling of pre-sliced bread, rolls and maybe baguettes.
You’ve talked about achievements, what about any setbacks or embarrassments?
Three incidents come to mind. Firstly, the invention of the opinalating vacuum – a commercial disaster. Secondly, being fired from that great big cannon last year. And thirdly, the nitrogen incident. I still can’t believe I wasted 79% of the sky. I’m known for my shriftiness you know, I’m a very shrifty fellow.
In some of what you’ve said I’ve noticed a touch of xenophobia…
Really? Let’s break down the semantics then: Xenophobia is an irrational fear of strangers. Now I think we can all agree strangers are strange (the clue’s in the name). And that’s why I don’t like them, because they’re strange. There may also be some patriotic pride in me too. I have fond memories of the time the ©ollective beat the Yanks with our stapler.
At the end of the 19th century the world of stationary was dominated by two complementary technologies, the peg and drawing pin; both British I should point out. Then along comes Edison with his bendy wire contraption, which he called the paper clip. He exhibited it at the 1908 World Fair in London and it caused a bit of a stinker in the inventing world. For 72 years the ©ollective had egg on its face, but then I came up with the notion of a staple. It only has two bends compared with Edison’s three, and a stapled document rem
ains
attached permanently. The yanks had kittens over it. The best retaliation they could come up with was these yellow sticky pads. Ha.
Post it notes?
Yes, or something like that.
OK, times nearly up, so one last question. Have you got any advice for budding young inventors?
Never stop.
Good advice. Let’s leave it at that.
all images courtesy of the ©ollective archives
verrry confused but strangely tittilated.
verrry confused but strangely tittilated.
verrry confused but strangely tittilated.
Dillon Gregory is a fantastic man, it is about time he was acknowledged by the british establishment. he helped my wife concieve.
Dillon Gregory is a fantastic man, it is about time he was acknowledged by the british establishment. he helped my wife concieve.
Dillon Gregory is a fantastic man, it is about time he was acknowledged by the british establishment. he helped my wife concieve.
‘Gerry’? If I remember my module in quasi-racist insults correctly, it’s spelled with a ‘J’, as in, “Look out, sarge! Jerries! Thousands of ‘em! Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their eyes etc etc”
‘Gerry’? If I remember my module in quasi-racist insults correctly, it’s spelled with a ‘J’, as in, “Look out, sarge! Jerries! Thousands of ‘em! Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their eyes etc etc”
‘Gerry’? If I remember my module in quasi-racist insults correctly, it’s spelled with a ‘J’, as in, “Look out, sarge! Jerries! Thousands of ‘em! Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their eyes etc etc”
Don’t think that is the only factual error! Subversive and very funny.
Don’t think that is the only factual error! Subversive and very funny.
Don’t think that is the only factual error! Subversive and very funny.
I invented Snakey B, calling college clothing ‘stash’ and ‘the rules of the game’. I also christened The Hatfield Cup in a bout of sarcasm. I’m quite an inventor myself.
I invented Snakey B, calling college clothing ‘stash’ and ‘the rules of the game’. I also christened The Hatfield Cup in a bout of sarcasm. I’m quite an inventor myself.
I invented Snakey B, calling college clothing ‘stash’ and ‘the rules of the game’. I also christened The Hatfield Cup in a bout of sarcasm. I’m quite an inventor myself.
My dad invented the numerical term “zillion”, apparently, and then had it nicked by Kenny Everett.
I’d like to say I’m the inventor of Zombie Jesus, but that, unfortunately, would be a lie. This particular incarnation, perhaps, but not the entity. Look him up on Uncyclopedia.
My dad invented the numerical term “zillion”, apparently, and then had it nicked by Kenny Everett.
I’d like to say I’m the inventor of Zombie Jesus, but that, unfortunately, would be a lie. This particular incarnation, perhaps, but not the entity. Look him up on Uncyclopedia.
My dad invented the numerical term “zillion”, apparently, and then had it nicked by Kenny Everett.
I’d like to say I’m the inventor of Zombie Jesus, but that, unfortunately, would be a lie. This particular incarnation, perhaps, but not the entity. Look him up on Uncyclopedia.
This is a hoax, right?
This is a hoax, right?
This is a hoax, right?
Don’t think so. I for one plan to take every word to be true.
Don’t think so. I for one plan to take every word to be true.
Don’t think so. I for one plan to take every word to be true.
Thanks for your faith Hannah (I’m sure Rupert would not be pleased though!) You should heed Alex’s point that I’ve got the wrong Jerry. Having not attended any modules on “quasi-racist insults” I’d just assumed Gerry was a nickname for German – the first 3 letters are the same you see. I’m terribly sorry.
El Museo del Bario (If that’s your real name): I agree with your first point. Your second confuses me though, unless you’re referring to Dillon’s colaboration with Lord Winston in the early 1990′s. This was before their break up over the BBC’s “The Human Body” series, when Winston used without permission video footage of Gregory’s rectum during a colonoscopy.
Thanks for your faith Hannah (I’m sure Rupert would not be pleased though!) You should heed Alex’s point that I’ve got the wrong Jerry. Having not attended any modules on “quasi-racist insults” I’d just assumed Gerry was a nickname for German – the first 3 letters are the same you see. I’m terribly sorry.
El Museo del Bario (If that’s your real name): I agree with your first point. Your second confuses me though, unless you’re referring to Dillon’s colaboration with Lord Winston in the early 1990′s. This was before their break up over the BBC’s “The Human Body” series, when Winston used without permission video footage of Gregory’s rectum during a colonoscopy.
Thanks for your faith Hannah (I’m sure Rupert would not be pleased though!) You should heed Alex’s point that I’ve got the wrong Jerry. Having not attended any modules on “quasi-racist insults” I’d just assumed Gerry was a nickname for German – the first 3 letters are the same you see. I’m terribly sorry.
El Museo del Bario (If that’s your real name): I agree with your first point. Your second confuses me though, unless you’re referring to Dillon’s colaboration with Lord Winston in the early 1990′s. This was before their break up over the BBC’s “The Human Body” series, when Winston used without permission video footage of Gregory’s rectum during a colonoscopy.
Don’t worry… IMHO Dillon Gregory IS God.
If I recall he helped with the initial work on the Seedless Grape, though I could be wrong.
Don’t worry… IMHO Dillon Gregory IS God.
If I recall he helped with the initial work on the Seedless Grape, though I could be wrong.
Don’t worry… IMHO Dillon Gregory IS God.
If I recall he helped with the initial work on the Seedless Grape, though I could be wrong.
Strange you should mention the grape, as it was this invention that provides the Lord Winston link. The seed extraction process is almost the exact reverse of IVF.
Strange you should mention the grape, as it was this invention that provides the Lord Winston link. The seed extraction process is almost the exact reverse of IVF.
Strange you should mention the grape, as it was this invention that provides the Lord Winston link. The seed extraction process is almost the exact reverse of IVF.
Well, taken individually, I’m sure all words are true.
Well, taken individually, I’m sure all words are true.
Well, taken individually, I’m sure all words are true.
truth + truth + truth + … = truth
truth + truth + truth + … = truth
truth + truth + truth + … = truth
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