The Palatine Jungle: Part 2
Sam Eades contributes three more hideous species to our guide to Durham’s less desirable wildlife…
Much has been written about that peculiar Durham phenomenon, the Rah. However, these “loveable” pink polo shirted, pashmina wearing, public school twits are not the only pests that inhabit our city. Believe it or not, Durham is host to a variety of vermin. Therefore I believe it is my public duty to inform forthcoming freshers of the many horrors that lurk in the Durham undergrowth. The local, the rah and the hack? Lads, you barely scratched the surface…
The Political Aspirant (Brownus Nosus)
Whilst the majority of freshers spend their first few hours in Durham unpacking, panicking and drinking anything in the vicinity, the political aspirant will have already firmly attached itself to the derriere of the college DSU rep. Like their nearest animal relation the flea, the political aspirant will drain the rep of all union related secrets before hopping onto the next animal in the political food chain, the JCR president. During the first JCR meeting, the political aspirant will emerge from the back side of said JCR president and will makes its presence known to the rest of the JCR by running for every union related position. Yes, even disability rep! For the political aspirant, the DSU is not just that minging building where even John Merrick could pull on a Friday night. No, it is a sacred organisation, akin to the UN or NATO. It’s as if they actually believe that by becoming DSU Technical officer, they will one day be able to inhabit the back passage of Tony Blair. If attacked by this vicious insect, simply feign disinterest of all things political, perhaps mentioning how much you love “Celebrity Love Island”. That will soon send this little bloodsucker whizzing back its beloved DSU.
The Oxbridge Reject (Rejectus Miserablii)
Hang on, Oxbridge Reject, doesn’t that mean every student in Durham? Yes, I’m fully aware that the majority of Durham students are Oxbridge rejects (myself included, but I didn’t really want to go there anyway). However, at Durham, there are two types of reject. The first type feign indifference and get on with life, occasionally muttering “Yeah well I didn’t want to go there anyway”. The second are tormented by their failure. They cannot forget the fateful day that letter landed on their middle class doorstep. They relive the interview over and over, trying to pinpoint the exact moment their life ended. Their sole purpose in coming to Durham is to get that first, praying that then they will be allowed to join the Oxbridge elite (Doxbridge my arse).
After merely being at Durham for a week, they will have already ransacked the reserve section, checking out every book on the recommended reading list. By term two they will have completed their dissertation. Nocturnal creatures, they only venture out at night, preferring to spend the rest of their hours hunched over a desk at the library. From experience, this particular type of reject makes a fabulous housemate. If one can stand the stench of failure that is. My housemate was so quiet I frequently though he had died. Then one night I’d hear him, scuttling through the front door at 3am after being manhandled out of the library. He’d nibble on some m & s cheese, slurp his earl grey then scuttle up to his room, rhythmically banging on his keyboard till dawn…
The Rower (Stinkus Maximus)
Frankly, I’ve always thought that people who voluntarily get up before 6am were a bit odd. Saying that, as an arts student, I similarly view people who get up before Neighbours with suspicion. As a non-rower, my knowledge of this particular species of animal is quite limited. However, I do know that they spend a lot of time “Coxing” which I think is some kind of mating ritual.
These aquatic mammals generally stick to their own kind, mainly due to the fact that no-one else has a clue what they’re talking about. Rowing conversations are littered with mysterious code words such as “Ergo”, “Splashy J”, “Tideway” and “6am”. To avoid this lycra clad herd make sure you stay a safe distance away from the river. Also do not attend college breakfast. The male of the species can often be found bounding into the dining hall after a particular strenuous and therefore smelly workout, his lower half barely clad in skin tight lycra. Don’t they know they could have someone’s eye?
Why is the picture of “political aspirants”, actually of Mildert Freshers’ Reps? I don’t think Freshers’ Reps have much to do with politics or DSU…
Why is the picture of “political aspirants”, actually of Mildert Freshers’ Reps? I don’t think Freshers’ Reps have much to do with politics or DSU…
Why is the picture of “political aspirants”, actually of Mildert Freshers’ Reps? I don’t think Freshers’ Reps have much to do with politics or DSU…
I graduated in 1998. I wore lycra to breakfast, got my ergo time right down but I haven’t a clue what a “Splashy J” is..
I graduated in 1998. I wore lycra to breakfast, got my ergo time right down but I haven’t a clue what a “Splashy J” is..
I graduated in 1998. I wore lycra to breakfast, got my ergo time right down but I haven’t a clue what a “Splashy J” is..
i feel sorry for durham ppl who feel bitter and twisted about their oxbridge reject status.
stephen fry (Queens’ 1968), on collecting his honorary degree from Anglia Ruskin University said that the only good thing about going to cambridge was not having to deal with not having got in.
cheers
pizdets
disclaimer: i am not an old etonion and i am NOT a cambridge graduate.
i feel sorry for durham ppl who feel bitter and twisted about their oxbridge reject status.
stephen fry (Queens’ 1968), on collecting his honorary degree from Anglia Ruskin University said that the only good thing about going to cambridge was not having to deal with not having got in.
cheers
pizdets
disclaimer: i am not an old etonion and i am NOT a cambridge graduate.
i feel sorry for durham ppl who feel bitter and twisted about their oxbridge reject status.
stephen fry (Queens’ 1968), on collecting his honorary degree from Anglia Ruskin University said that the only good thing about going to cambridge was not having to deal with not having got in.
cheers
pizdets
disclaimer: i am not an old etonion and i am NOT a cambridge graduate.
I think I can lay claim to actually co-coining that nugget of joy. A splashy j is quite simply a splash jacket just as a snakey b is a snakebite and black and a lappy t is a laptop computer…hours or even lifetimes of fun to be had…
I think I can lay claim to actually co-coining that nugget of joy. A splashy j is quite simply a splash jacket just as a snakey b is a snakebite and black and a lappy t is a laptop computer…hours or even lifetimes of fun to be had…
I think I can lay claim to actually co-coining that nugget of joy. A splashy j is quite simply a splash jacket just as a snakey b is a snakebite and black and a lappy t is a laptop computer…hours or even lifetimes of fun to be had…
Vincent- there speak a man who knows more than a little about DSU. You’re just gutted it’s not of you aren’t you?
Vincent- there speak a man who knows more than a little about DSU. You’re just gutted it’s not of you aren’t you?
Vincent- there speak a man who knows more than a little about DSU. You’re just gutted it’s not of you aren’t you?
I do cocaine.
I do cocaine.
I do cocaine.
And I do your mum
And I do your mum
And I do your mum
Yeah… no I don’t think that you really do.
Yeah… no I don’t think that you really do.
Yeah… no I don’t think that you really do.
I went on the open day to Collingwood College in March 2007 and this beautiful tall blonde girl showed me the music room, she was really into me but I didn’t do anything while we were alone in the room and this is going to f***ing haunt me until I die. I miss you girl.
I went on the open day to Collingwood College in March 2007 and this beautiful tall blonde girl showed me the music room, she was really into me but I didn’t do anything while we were alone in the room and this is going to f***ing haunt me until I die. I miss you girl.
I went on the open day to Collingwood College in March 2007 and this beautiful tall blonde girl showed me the music room, she was really into me but I didn’t do anything while we were alone in the room and this is going to f***ing haunt me until I die. I miss you girl.
yeah
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