Going to a house party? Sam Eades tells you how to cope…

As we all know, the majority of students (i.e. those with friends), are affectionately booted out of their respective colleges during the second year, forced instead to seek shelter in the vast wilderness known as “The Viaduct”. Or for the really unlucky, the Gilesgate Ghetto. As moving time draws near, what do our lucky livers-out have to look forward to? Squalor, starvation and poverty aside – house parties (HP) are perhaps one of the biggest incentives to all that decide to live out. Yes of course one can attend such parties in the first year, but it is not until one “owns” a house (preferably in walking distance to the party), that one can truly appreciate the glorious event that is the student house party.

As a former liver-out and therefore HP whore, I have written a somewhat shambolic guide to HP etiquette. For one must not be fooled by its wild and unruly nature. These seemingly spontaneous parties are governed by a myriad of rules and regulations. You wouldn’t want to offend the host now would you?

Rule Number One
BYOB – this delightful little acronym does not mean, as many tight-fisted rahs will claim, “Bring your own Banter”. It does not mean “Bring your own Bong” – well not at most parties anyway. In fact, I’m quite sure that BYOB is in itself a shortened form of BYOBOPO, or for those of you that don’t speak houseparty, “Bring your own bottle or piss off”. Nothing is more annoying to a host than to have guests arrive open mouthed and empty-handed. Or, what I consider to be an even worse faux pas, see a guest turn up with a bottle of non alcoholic liquid. Bring a bottle of milk for example, and trust me you’ll be the only one laughing. Ignore BYOB at your peril. Yes you may be admitted to the party, but you will be the focus of many a dirty look and will probably be branded a “tight-fisted skank” for the rest of your student life.

At the same time however, beware of turning up with a decent bottle of booze. Even if you sellotape the prized bottle to your person, at some point someone else will drink it. Instead, do what my housemate and I used to do – pop to the local corner shop, grab a cheapo bottle of vino, flash it when you make your entrance (preferably concealing the price tag), then dump the foul, piss-tasting liquid and poach all the good booze before someone else does. Sorted.

Rule Number Two
Do NOT arrive too early. If you do, you will have to endure tortuous small talk for at least an hour. Now, small talk is hilarious when lashed. However, when sober, small talk is excruciatingly painful. If at any point the chat begins to dies (usually after fifteen seconds), quickly make your exit. The following lines can be used for those needing to escape – “ooh, I’m just popping to the loo”, “I’m just going to go get myself a drink” – or if you‘re feeling really evil “I’m just going to stand in the corner by myself. Bye.” To avoid small talk altogether, arrive an hour late when the party will be in full swing. And get lashed. Quickly.

Rule Number Three
Never go to a houseparty where you only know one person. This person will without doubt go off and shag someone, leaving you to face the music and painful small talk alone.

Rule Number Four
Never ever venture into a room upstairs without knocking first. You will interrupt someone having sex. If you’re a pervert however, ignore this rule. Hey, why not ask if you can join in!

Rule Number Five
Never, ever, ever decide to stay over at the house. Yes it means you don’t have to trek home. However, do you really want to wake up in a house that smells like a corpse caked in vomit? Also, you run the risk of being asked to help clean up. If you do end up crashing at their place, set your alarm for 7 and run out as fast as your legs can carry you before the mop is placed in your hand.

And finally, at some point, you will be bored. So why not play Spot the houseparty cliché?

1. The Cryer – no doubt female, no doubt fancies someone at the party who is no doubt talking, flirting, pulling someone else. AVOID.
2. The lech – will try it on with anyone. But will 99% of the time will not succeed. Unless he goes for the cryer. She’s probably a sure thing.
3. The vommer – after 30 minutes, someone will vom on themselves / the sofa / floor / anyone in surrounding vicinity. Most probably after downing your cheap bottle of vino.
4. The couple – no matter how many locks are placed on a bedroom door, the shagging couple like Freddie Kreuger, will always get in.
5. The crazy random – who invited him/her? Why are they beating everyone with a ladle? No-one knows…

And finally, fancy hosting your own party? One word – don’t. Whilst it’s hilarious to wreck someone else’s house, it’s not quite as funny when your own house is ripped to shreds and you‘re left with only a tenner of the deposit.