Home » Uncategorized

The Palatine Jungle: Part 1

Posted on 20th October 2001. No Comment

Email This Comment Email This Comment

This week Jonathan Cox, Henry Jestico and Craig Roters introduce Freshers to some of Durham’s less desirable wildlife

The ‘Rah (Aristocratus Twatus)
Most likely to be found in Castle, Hatfield and Van Mildert (not the college, the shop). Easily identified by the all year round wearing of old school scarves, body warmers and sunglasses. The female of the species is often seen sporting a pashmina whilst snorting down a mobile phone to ‘Daddy’. When not in Durham, the ‘Rah migrates to Val d’Isere, the Cote d’Azur (hence the perennial bronzed complexion) or one of the parental estates (or Berkshire as the tenants call it).

Breeding is the all important word, as the ‘Rah likes to keep the gene pool shallow (pedigree is crucial – mental illness is a small price to pay when there’s an empire to run). The ‘Rah’s parents (often more closely related than you would think) send their offspring to the colonies prior to Durham where they can gain important experience in surviving without the Filipino servants.

The Hack (Gimpus Majorii)
Rarely seen outside, the Hack can be found in any DSU or JCR office and Van Mildert (not the shop). The species is distinguished by its greasy hair (washing takes valuable time away from the study of the constitution), sickly pallor (they never see sunlight) and their monotonous call.

Although naturally timid, the Hack is often aroused by meaningless constitutional trivia (now you know why the pages of the DSU Constitution are stuck together). Can also become animated and distressed when confronted with normal people during DSU meetings.

Little distinction is possible between the genders, and their reproductive habits are somewhat uncertain. It is thought that they have developed the ability to procreate asexually (would you shag them?). An alternative theory is that the constitution is their mistress (possibly aided by some illicit Internet material).

The Local (Geordii Ignoramus)
The most dangerous of all the wildlife in Durham, the Local should not be approached in the dark. Pushed to the outskirts by student immigration, the Local has become disorientated, frightened and confused, and has developed violent tendencies. The arrival of people who “speak proper” has caused their once rich language to descend into incomprehensible grunts and jabberings. Not so much a clash of civilizations as the clash of one civilization against a great rock of ignorance.

Herds of Locals frequently pass through the centre of Durham: the Kappa clad young; excessively made-up middle-aged females in miniskirts; and scary looking old men with strange bagpipes. They are often found in places like the Fighting Cocks (incidentally, not a gay pub in either sense of the word) and outside Rixies. It is wise never to approach a Local, though some have infiltrated the university itself. This branch of the species is safe to approach, but understanding them may still be difficult.

No Comment »

  • A-non-clone said:

    Perhaps you should have mentioned the increasingly common ‘Rah-wanna-be’ breed that can often be seen near the hill colleges. These clones are also known to imitate posh accent as they walk around in their identical black lamb’s wool coats and flared jeans. This breed is growing rapidly so take caution: If you aren’t yet a member of this clan avoid contact with them and preserve your own personal identity.

  • A-non-clone said:

    Perhaps you should have mentioned the increasingly common ‘Rah-wanna-be’ breed that can often be seen near the hill colleges. These clones are also known to imitate posh accent as they walk around in their identical black lamb’s wool coats and flared jeans. This breed is growing rapidly so take caution: If you aren’t yet a member of this clan avoid contact with them and preserve your own personal identity.

  • A-non-clone said:

    Perhaps you should have mentioned the increasingly common ‘Rah-wanna-be’ breed that can often be seen near the hill colleges. These clones are also known to imitate posh accent as they walk around in their identical black lamb’s wool coats and flared jeans. This breed is growing rapidly so take caution: If you aren’t yet a member of this clan avoid contact with them and preserve your own personal identity.

  • Coat said:

    Yeah, whats with those black coats?

  • Coat said:

    Yeah, whats with those black coats?

  • Coat said:

    Yeah, whats with those black coats?

  • Mad Dog said:

    Cox,Jestico and Jestico are a bunch of muppets and should be shot.

  • Mad Dog said:

    Cox,Jestico and Jestico are a bunch of muppets and should be shot.

  • Mad Dog said:

    Cox,Jestico and Jestico are a bunch of muppets and should be shot.

  • Pussycat said:

    Also recently heard in Durham: the alternative busking sounds of wailing outside Milburngate & clarinet blowing in the vicinity of Woolies.

  • Pussycat said:

    Also recently heard in Durham: the alternative busking sounds of wailing outside Milburngate & clarinet blowing in the vicinity of Woolies.

  • Pussycat said:

    Also recently heard in Durham: the alternative busking sounds of wailing outside Milburngate & clarinet blowing in the vicinity of Woolies.

  • El Gatto said:

    And let’s not forget the Trenchcoat Mafia, that token band of (always) philosophy students found perenially armed with super-strength cigs discussing the comparitive merits of Kevin Smith and the Star Wars phenomenon.

  • El Gatto said:

    And let’s not forget the Trenchcoat Mafia, that token band of (always) philosophy students found perenially armed with super-strength cigs discussing the comparitive merits of Kevin Smith and the Star Wars phenomenon.

  • El Gatto said:

    And let’s not forget the Trenchcoat Mafia, that token band of (always) philosophy students found perenially armed with super-strength cigs discussing the comparitive merits of Kevin Smith and the Star Wars phenomenon.

  • Not a muppet, really said:

    This is a SUPER, or indeed FAB piece of work! The muppets are SO good! Especially Craig!

  • Not a muppet, really said:

    This is a SUPER, or indeed FAB piece of work! The muppets are SO good! Especially Craig!

  • Not a muppet, really said:

    This is a SUPER, or indeed FAB piece of work! The muppets are SO good! Especially Craig!

  • Jim said:

    Never approach a man with hair taller than a human baby. Or humans with opaque/flourescent Durham University binders under their armpit. Shoes with leather laces should be avoided. The children in Korn hoodies will look at you whatever you do. They are protecting their horse statue.

  • Jim said:

    Never approach a man with hair taller than a human baby. Or humans with opaque/flourescent Durham University binders under their armpit. Shoes with leather laces should be avoided. The children in Korn hoodies will look at you whatever you do. They are protecting their horse statue.

  • Jim said:

    Never approach a man with hair taller than a human baby. Or humans with opaque/flourescent Durham University binders under their armpit. Shoes with leather laces should be avoided. The children in Korn hoodies will look at you whatever you do. They are protecting their horse statue.

  • Jon said:

    Great! Apart from the local dig. :P

  • Jon said:

    Great! Apart from the local dig. :P

  • Jon said:

    Great! Apart from the local dig. :P

  • crow said:

    oh god now im quite worried…my suspicions that mildert would be full of greasy geeks appears to have been confirmed…;o)

  • crow said:

    oh god now im quite worried…my suspicions that mildert would be full of greasy geeks appears to have been confirmed…;o)

  • crow said:

    oh god now im quite worried…my suspicions that mildert would be full of greasy geeks appears to have been confirmed…;o)

  • scared said:

    Now I’m feeling all worried that I won’t be ‘rah enough for Castle – I was assured that Hatfield was the only true ‘rah college. Help!

  • scared said:

    Now I’m feeling all worried that I won’t be ‘rah enough for Castle – I was assured that Hatfield was the only true ‘rah college. Help!

  • scared said:

    Now I’m feeling all worried that I won’t be ‘rah enough for Castle – I was assured that Hatfield was the only true ‘rah college. Help!

  • A said:

    I love rahs. If you also love rahs check out http://ami.iamcal.com/rah/ and vote for most rah of the rahs.

  • A said:

    I love rahs. If you also love rahs check out http://ami.iamcal.com/rah/ and vote for most rah of the rahs.

  • A said:

    I love rahs. If you also love rahs check out http://ami.iamcal.com/rah/ and vote for most rah of the rahs.

  • Paul said:

    Come on not all of us locals are bad. Its just the charvers and the muppets who drink over in the darkside you have to worry about. Some of us are normal, just stay away from the Fighting Cocks “its a local bar for local people.”

  • Paul said:

    Come on not all of us locals are bad. Its just the charvers and the muppets who drink over in the darkside you have to worry about. Some of us are normal, just stay away from the Fighting Cocks “its a local bar for local people.”

  • Paul said:

    Come on not all of us locals are bad. Its just the charvers and the muppets who drink over in the darkside you have to worry about. Some of us are normal, just stay away from the Fighting Cocks “its a local bar for local people.”